Writing the panic out

It feels like a hand is clenching my heart and twisting me from the inside out. My chest is tight, I feel trapped in my own lungs. It hurts but I can seem to pinpoint why anymore. Maybe it’s anger, but the fear and the dread is louder. The painful lump in my throat won’t go down, no matter how many times I try to swallow it. The panic claws at my body. It wants to devour me.
Smoke it out.
Drug it down.
This never lasts though. It cycles, coming and going as it pleases. Each time feeling as painful as the last. It never eases or dulls. The pain is always the same.
Sharp.
Heavy.
But still I fight it. I have to. I don’t want to hide anymore. And above all, I don’t want to be a burden to those I love. It hurts, but I will face it.
I want to breathe again.

accepting it

(NOTE: all posts dated before 03/24/2014 were written before i decided to create “Glass Triggers”)

I was raped last year (Feb 2012) while i was living in Asia, by my ex boyfriend. we were living together, although we already separated/broken up when it happened. the relationship was violent in nature from the beginning, but I stayed with him in hopes of getting him help… until it reached the breaking point, he threatened to kill me among other verbal threats, he finally forced me to have sex with him before I could leave.
And I let him.
Partially because I feared for my life. I truly believed his death threats. So when he demanded I fuck him like the whore I was, I didn’t fight it as hard as I physically could have. I told him no and to stop many times. I tried pushing him away. He eventually pinned me down and I stopped fighting.

I feel detached from that final week. Like it wasn’t me controlling my body. I was so emotionally fucked from constantly battling with my ex in that tiny room, that I don’t even remember when I stopped being “me”. (This is also why I’m always apologizing to my current bf. It’s engraved in my mind I can’t help but say it out of reflex, “I’m sorry” dont be mad at me.)
And I think about it every fucking night. So I can’t sleep.
It feels wrong. That’s why my mood swings are violent and sudden. I have no control over it anymore. I tried to just hide it forever and ignore it. I have been denying it all year, pretending it wasn’t as bad as it was, pretending it didn’t happen at all, pretending that whole week leading up to the rape never happened. Pretend it didn’t happen. But I can’t anymore. I need help.
I feel numb looking back on it. no anger at him, just at myself. Its like it didn’t even happen to the real me, so it was easier to forget.

but mood swings, insomnia and depression have gotten really bad lately, i finally confessed to my family doctor last week. he has suggested I ask around to find the right care for me.. im lost and i dont know what to do anymore. my thoughts are so dark they scare me.

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