Numbing

10:30am

Not tired. Not awake either.

Feeling pretty detached these days. I think the wait lists makes everything more painful. It’s like, now what do I do? I’m trying to live day by day, but I’m not blind to the patterns; I’m sinking into the repetitive and reclusive void again.

Why can’t I just put my big girl pants on and just be-? I don’t even know what I want to be anymore.

Free?
Happy?

I am happy in love, but I’m scrambling to stay happy when I’m alone in my thoughts. It’s a weird and contradicting feeling; to be so in love and yet so angry, lost, scared, and hurting all at the same time. My feelings don’t make sense to me, but I guess they haven’t made sense for some time now.

Where is the girl I once knew as me?
Who am I now?

Homework; Questions

“Even if you cant answer yet, ask yourself the questions anyway…”

Why can’t I move forward? Why do I feel stupid? Why can’t I just let go and understand /he/ is the only one responsible for his actions? Why can’t I feel the emotions for /him/? Why do I instead feel angry at myself for that week? Why did I choose to drink the problems away?

I don’t know.

Why do I soak in self blame and frustration? Why can’t I feel the world the way I used to? Why are my thoughts saturated in negativity? How do I stop?

I don’t know.

How do I break free? When will the nightmares end? When can I feel normal again? I’m stuck. Caught in the never ending loop.

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