Homework; Questions

“Even if you cant answer yet, ask yourself the questions anyway…”

Why can’t I move forward? Why do I feel stupid? Why can’t I just let go and understand /he/ is the only one responsible for his actions? Why can’t I feel the emotions for /him/? Why do I instead feel angry at myself for that week? Why did I choose to drink the problems away?

I don’t know.

Why do I soak in self blame and frustration? Why can’t I feel the world the way I used to? Why are my thoughts saturated in negativity? How do I stop?

I don’t know.

How do I break free? When will the nightmares end? When can I feel normal again? I’m stuck. Caught in the never ending loop.

I’m a very passionate and loving person. I’m also too trusting, I easily seek benefit of doubt with people I feel a connection with. I also don’t let go of things easily, especially relationships (platonic or otherwise). When a friendship dies I almost always desperately hold on to it and fight for it, for too long.

I hate losing people I love. I can’t stand when someone I love is mad at me or when they grow to hate me. It rips me down to my core. It hurts and I fight it. Often in vain. I still react the same, I know nothing can stop it, I can’t change it, yet I hold on tighter still, despite it all.

It took me several months to admit to myself I was love-swindled. It took me almost a full year to admit to myself that I was raped.
I can’t help but connect the two.

My stupidity and gullibility lead to my rape. That’s what I feel. That’s what plays in my mind over and over again. My nativity. My smitten emotions blinded by sweetened lies, nothing more than a well played facade. I was the perfect fool in his money draining charade! It was never love. That man, the one I sought for safety and comfort, gave me neither yet I trusted and “loved” him anyway. I ignored the red flags. I grasped for reasons and excuses, anything to make the betrayal untrue.
The cruel irony?
/He/ warned me about it, my rapist told me the man swooning me was a liar and that the guy was only using me… and /he/ was right all along!!

My ex raping me, it felt like it was karma lashing back out at me. “Told you so!” He screamed it so many times I lost count. “I told you! Bitch! Whore! Stupid! Fucking stupid!”

Yes. I feel stupid.
Every waking minute I feel stupid. Pain so deep it seeks into my bones and creeps on the edges of my nightmares.

I have horrible thoughts.
I know. It’s changes nothing to wallow in “what if’s” and “what was I thinking?”, but these primeval thoughts swarm my consciousness several times a day, and more times at night.

How do I stop seeing the images I desperately want to forget? The flashbacks are so vivid, they mock me. Who was that girl? What was she thinking? How could she be so blind? How did she fall so low?

How do I save her?

 

 

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