Domestic Violence

He threatened to kill me. We yelled a lot. I cried a lot. He just got more angry. Then he became aggressively passionate. But there was no love.
It was purely primal instincts and anger driving his urge to dominate me. So cold, detached and terrifying.
His strength overpowered me like a toddler succumbing to parental punishment.
I pushed at his forehead as his went down and pried my legs apart. Literally forcing them open and I repeated “no! Stop! I don’t want to have sex right now!” The look he gave me was livid anger, I felt the threat of death echoing in my mind. My body responded physically…

I’m told women’s body’s can respond to the rape with orgasm, in simple need of protecting the human body experiencing the trauma.
Afterwords the mental and psychological damage had burned me so deep, I chose to ignore it and told myself it never happened. I was half drunk and I orgasmed. It wasn’t rape.

But it was rape.

He was angry and aggressive while I was scared, sad and weak.

Mentally, verbally, physically; he raped me and abused me in all respects.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly thinking of this. But I feel more reaffirmed in saying “I was raped”… I’m starting to understand why it is taking me so long to acknowledge and accept as a truth of my past.

Domestic violence is much more complicated than “Why didn’t she leave him sooner?”

The fear of losing the shell of the man you fell in love with, it holds you down. The fear is deep and tight. You want I believe he can get help and will change. He will get better.
It never gets better.
And by the time you realize you are in danger, it’s already too late. The man you love is a stranger now, but you can’t bring yourself to let go. He’s beat you down so emotionally, it scares you to lose him. You feel scared without him. It feels like his unhappiness is all your fault.

“I didn’t do enough. Why did I let it happen?” I reached out to him after I returned to my country, trying to be his friend and get him help. His guilt trips and screaming match via Skype gutted me.

I still feel like I could’ve prevented my rape, even though it very clearly wasn’t my fault. It’s a fucked up/twisted mindset, but I’m living with it. I beat myself up over my stupidity everyday. The thoughts are too loud to sleep. And I’m so fucking tired of hating my past self. I’m tired of blaming the girl who was emotionally manipulated by two men at the same time.

When can I stop hating myself?
How should I move forward now?

My feelings don’t make sense these days. I want to hate them both! I just can’t…

 

 

 

Can’t wait for my girls night tonight

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