Ephiphanys can be a bitch.
Lost in your own thoughts, when suddenly- something clicks!
“Oh! That’s why…”
I begin to see patterns in how I have let people treat me and talk down to me before. And I am beginning to understand my fear of telling others who my rapist is or that it really happened. I’ve been through a similar betrayal of “I don’t believe you”, out of the blue before…
When a person I considered a sister turned her back on me… It blindsided me in a livejournal comment. No previous private discussion or phone call. She called my chronic pain not real and I was just a lazy human who only wanted to abuse the government aid systems. She claimed my chronic pain was all in my head, prob a facade because I’m spoiled, so I’m doing it for attention and because I was addicted to drugs so I must be lying.
This defamation against my name coming off her lips burned me from the inside out. I still feel a bit betrayed. I felt hurt. Why didn’t she believe me? She KNOWS me, at least at the time, I thought she understood me better than most others! Doesn’t she love and support me anymore? How am I suddenly a liar in her eyes? It still hurts knowing how she truly feels about me and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Chronic pain is perspective after all. I still love that girl deeply, but she reminded me the world will judge you regardless of your truths and hardships.
And my biggest fear is I won’t be believed again. Like my chronic pain, I fear I will be dismissed or ignored, I fear my truth will be mocked for staying with him so long. I don’t want to slander a Japanese citizen even anonymously, when I wish to go back and try to work there. The culture clashes heavily on this sensitive topic, so I’m always wary to tell my Japanese friends or people who have lived in Tokyo.
It’s so hard. I don’t want to say his or the other jerks name out loud these days… It makes me cringe.
Although mostly reactions have been positive and I’m thankful for each and every person who reads this blog.
I promise one day I will use these horrible memories as a weapon to protect other victims of violence.