Reality slapped me across the face this morning.
Today an old friend I really needed to hear from, reached out to me (thanks wifey). But then so did the man who love swindled me…
Talk about ultimate high to the lowest low. Mood crashed hard.
Just simply – “what’s up?” In a very impersonal and informal text. Instant panic attack and urge to puke from adrenaline rush. Puking from the outright betrayal or anxiety? I’m not what it was, but just one look at his picture and I felt so sick. I know my suffering won’t end anytime soon. So I puked. I was angry and them I felt helplessly sad.
This man wronged me in so many ways. Destroyed my trust in people. He knew he outright abandoned me to my abusive ex, who would later rape me as punishment for trusting the love-swindler.
He doesn’t know his actions basically escalated the rape to occur, although you’d be pretty dumb not to see the building signs. He also knows he manipulated me for money.
So why is HE messaging me NOW?! What do I say? What do I ask? What does he want? What the actual fuck?
I trusted him and he fucked me over and fucked up my final plans in the country I loved to deeply; instead horrible memories linger because of those three final days of me believing the lies!
And I was too drunk and traumatized to stop it.
Then bf seemingly abandoned me today. Mostly he needed creative space, but it came at horrible timing. He hates when I talk about the love-swindler the most. And with the Swindler suddenly messaging me and he still has the power to make me puke from anxiety, bf got insecure and went back home to focus on his work.
It’s not easy being raped. The consequences which manifests later, are what pains me the most. It’s clearly affecting my love life, simply because I am unable to let go of my past anger.
My current bf just wants me to be happy with him, but instead I’m thinking about my all the Ex’s horrible crimes and how horrible I feel everyday about it.
I want to push people away, let me suffer alone, quietly, out of sight-out of mind, hidden, able to cry freely and loudly without the disgusting judgment. Ignore me, so I won’t be disappointed when you leave. Everyone leaves me in the end, and it’s often my fault. Why isn’t this time the same?
I know I should be reaching out to other survivors. Instead, I use my bf as a crutch because he’s the only safety I know. When I’m with him, I can breathe.
But he can’t be there 24/7….
I need to save myself. Heal myself. Love myself.
Is there even a point to?