Authors Note; the site got a bit of a facelift with widgets and the like… I hope it’s slightly less depressing to look at XD
Nothing but silence since the face off…
No admission or confession, no denial or excuses, no pleading vehemently that I’ve got it all wrong. Nothing.
It’s a weird feeling. A bit surreal, a bit reassuring? Not sure what I expected to happen, but I suppose silent cowardice really isn’t that surprising in hindsight.
I’m beginning to feel more violated. The more I remember, the more questions I ask in hindsight. I really question my mentality of those final violent three days.
I didn’t see (until now) how he tested me as a target; like when he let me sit at a 24hr Burger King for several hours, by myself (12am-8am) waiting for him to get out of his “work meeting” but really he was drinking with other coworkers and girls. His emails indicated that he would come ASAP. “Soon! soon! Almost!”
He never showed up.
But later, in front of his coworkers and myself (as a very clear brag), he complimented how sweet it was of me to wait for him alone for so long; because it “made him happy” I would wait that long for him.
Of course he was happy.
I was easy prey.
Or when he conveniently “had no money/lost his wallet” again. I would always spot him. I was his perfect target.
I thought I was saved by him. He made me feel like I was a “kind and caring person who deserved better in a relationship.” Thoughts of my DV home-life was put on the back burner of my mind, likely to boil.
I turned to this swindler and his friends as a much needed source of distraction, laughter, drinks and attention.
I thought he could save me. My misplaced trust in this man and all that happened in turn, was used perfectly to manipulate me. The swindler used my trusting personality and vulnerable state against me.
I see that very clearly now.
I think I needed this side of things to settle in my mind before I can turn and face my rapist. It may not ever be fully resolved (because I never want to meet that man again), but I’m beginning to feel more and more vindicated in my anger towards the swindler. One piece at a time, I suppose.
I had a setback the other day. My bf and I kinda fought because I was having a panic attack (thanks to the swindlers sudden messages) so I wanted to go see him, but he needed space. I’m still a selfish person and I rely on my bf heavily like a crutch because I feel scared and lost without him near me. But that’s not fair to him.
I’ll spare the details because it’s really rather ridiculous on my part. Basically the stress of it all made me feel very suicidal. Gun, knife, overdose, I really didn’t care or think of how, I just didn’t want to be living in that moment. I wanted to die and that was all I could feel. (I have since calmed down and apologized for my selfish meltdown.)
The nightmares are still excessive and draining. Up to 4 nightmares a night, at least the ones I remember. I still can’t control them.
Last night I dreamt I was in bed with my bf, when an unseen force grabbed me and started dragging me from my bed. I called out to my bf in my dream a good 4 times until he woke me up in real life. It was terrifying because it was so vivid.
I could feel the motion of being dragged and the hands all over my body, pulling me across the bed.
I woke up gasping. I could only whimper into bfs chest, until he soothed me back to sleep. It’s funny how nightmares render you back into a helpless child.
I have recently found strength from another rape survivor, Kat Alano.
I urge my readers to read this inspirational article about her. It brought tears to my eyes and a renewed strength in my battered heart.
“I cry not knowing why, I’m afraid for stupid reasons. I don’t understand what I’m feeling half the time just trying to deal with these emotions that I never even knew I had. Petrified, fear, anxiety just not being able to speak, being afraid to be by myself,” she said, adding that she had to move out and stay with friends “because I couldn’t be on my own.”
Like this and many posts on her twitter, her words strike familiar chords inside of me. I relate in ways I never thought I could. I feel less alone.
Her voice gives me hope that I will find mine again.
I will go through these motions and when its time, I will free myself too.
Ps– thank you so much for the comment of encouragement Jass, it was much needed.