Cleanse

Follow up post to “Facing the Swindler” and “Freeing Yourself” entry’s.

He replied. And his response shows his true intentions, clearly.

“うらぎものや!/ You are a traitor!”
(Note; he keeps using very rude Japanese speech forms towards me, something I never heard from him in person. He was always smiling.)

Who is this stranger? This monster?

This heartless man completely disregards my rape confession and my pleas to him to be a better person are completely ignored, he never denies it though. Instead, he continues with “You fucked me over!”

He thinks I am the one trying to betray him, because I fled the country and didn’t pay back the tab he claims he paid for me. A tab I’ve never seen a receipt or even valid proof of; besides the point.

They ransacked/reorganized my wallet while I was passed out, I know because when I noticed all my money was gone the swindler said; “It’s ok. Don’t you have a Visa card?”

I still remember the look on his face when I told him it was expired. He seemed shocked. I initially chopped it up to my “boyfriend” worrying about me.

Red flag.

I was so naive and trusting. In truth, I was so blinded by the prospect of this man saving me with his love I saw nothing, I must’ve been colour blind.

I was so distraught at having nothing left and no memory of where my money went, I didn’t remember until later that I never once showed him the credit card or even mentioned it to him, yet somehow he knew I had one.

The flags are as red as blood now. I see them all in hindsight.

My mistake haunts me every day. But I know and remind myself the circumstances were stacked against me. He was also very good at lying and bs-ing his way through problems. Of course this swindler found the perfect target in me, I made it easy for him to manipulate me.

“You are a traitor! You fucked me over!”

That’s MY line, asshole! Stop fucking with me. (それはこっちの台詞、ざけんなよ!)

I am beginning to feel violent rage towards him. This is new, but somehow cathartic.

Basically told him I know he’s a liar and a scam artist who only cares about money. I made it clear that I’m not under his spell anymore.

“I know now, you never cared and clearly never will. You don’t have a conscious. I hope one day you will.” -and then blocked him. For good.

He gone.

Forever.

Cleansing myself of toxic connections feels good. Just another step forward.
(I hope guilt eats him from the inside out- it’s a comforting thought.)

***

I hope the nightmares slow down soon though. It’s been a very stressful week

My uncle suffered a stroke the other day and now is partially paralyzed. It’s really tense at home due to increasing family stress, in general its wearing me down.

My Japanese friends are slowly returning to Japan as their working holiday visas expire. It’s sad. But it reminds me of the love and friendship I’ve found since coming back to Canada.

I know I still have things worth fighting for. It’s pretty tough right now to be honest, I’m facing suicidal thoughts more frequently and without real purpose. Coupled with gripping sadness and restlessness; it seems to come in waves, subsiding for fleeting moments before crashing down on me.

I’ll endure this depression somehow.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s