Beyond stating the obvious. But I’m feeling the weight dragging me down again.
That’s all it took. I missed one pill and I nearly spiralled out of control and into the dark arms of misery.
The thought of just offing myself so I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. For 20 sickening seconds I truly contemplated it. The one thing I swore to myself and my loved ones, I will never follow through on.
Normally I can think about death without such serious intents.
Not this time.
This time, I felt like maybe it was possible. Death invoked such a true longing, that it scared me shitless.
I took it out on my better half. I feel like a horrible person, dragging him down too.
I feel like I’m fighting against everything and nothing all at the same time. All I can do is grasp the fleeting moments of normalcy admits the uncontrollable mood swings, debilitating fear and gripping sadness.
Some days I feel powerful and vindicated. Like I can face my problems and the world, and be proud of who I am as a survivor! I feel like I can change my future, and carve a new path with what I have left. I can be happy and face the sun with a smile on my face. Soak up the warmth and pay it forward.
And then I miss one fucking pill and everything comes crashing down.
I don’t even know what triggers these depression attacks. Needless to say I’ll be talking to my doc about this… I need help, not a pill that will kill me if I forget once!
I will make tomorrow an awesome day. We will attempt a Playland date, because 1- it’s a stat holiday and 2- I’ve had enough tears and pain this week.
Ps- Fuck depression.
Happy Canada Day