Depression is hard

Beyond stating the obvious. But I’m feeling the weight dragging me down again.

One pill.

That’s all it took. I missed one pill and I nearly spiralled out of control and into the dark arms of misery.

The thought of just offing myself so I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. For 20 sickening seconds I truly contemplated it. The one thing I swore to myself and my loved ones, I will never follow through on.

Normally I can think about death without such serious intents.

Not this time.

This time, I felt like maybe it was possible. Death invoked such a true longing, that it scared me shitless.

I took it out on my better half. I feel like a horrible person, dragging him down too.

I feel like I’m fighting against everything and nothing all at the same time. All I can do is grasp the fleeting moments of normalcy admits the uncontrollable mood swings, debilitating fear and gripping sadness.

Some days I feel powerful and vindicated. Like I can face my problems and the world, and be proud of who I am as a survivor! I feel like I can change my future, and carve a new path with what I have left. I can be happy and face the sun with a smile on my face. Soak up the warmth and pay it forward.

And then I miss one fucking pill and everything comes crashing down.

I don’t even know what triggers these depression attacks. Needless to say I’ll be talking to my doc about this… I need help, not a pill that will kill me if I forget once!

I will make tomorrow an awesome day. We will attempt a Playland date, because 1- it’s a stat holiday and 2- I’ve had enough tears and pain this week.

Ps- Fuck depression.

Happy Canada Day

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2 responses to “Depression is hard

  1. I completely understand how you feel I missed one pill recently and I went into a serious depressive episode for two days until the meds kicked back in from missing it once. Something I dont ever want to do again.

  2. Do not have too much faith in modern medicine, they will poison you to death, pill after pill.

    They give you the equivalent of a painkiller, for temporary relief, but they never address the source.

    For many depression is linked to the people you have around, or to the food you eat.

    Try changing your diet towards organic, avoid fluoride, sugar, and white grain. Assume plenty of omega3.

    Try mini-vacations of a few days in different type of environments (weather may be a factor as well).

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