Limits

I’ve suddenly found myself jumping back into a “normal life” with both feet. It hurts more than I expected.

During the day I can hyper focus on managing my modelling schedule and mentoring my young cousin in modelling too. During the night it’s excruciating pains and horrible nightmares at the ready. There’s no true escape, just moments where I can forget the pain. I’m trying to wake up early so I can enjoy these moments while they last. And pay it forward, because I don’t want others I feel what I feel.

Chronic pain, emotional pain, mental breakdowns; you begin to crave the moments of simple normalcy. Finding my genuine smile again; I’m good at faking one- most don’t notice, but I can always feel the difference.

I can already feel myself reaching the limit. Chronic pain tells me when I am pushing myself too hard. You could say I’m finally coming to terms that this chronic pain is not going away. I won’t grow out of it. No magic drug will make it stop indefinitely. No doctor can cure it. The only thing I can do is manage my stress levels and build strength slowly. I will never live the life I used to. I need to stop forgetting my body has a limit- and it’s threshold is much lower than it ever used to be. But I need to accept it as it is and work with it. And I need to always account for how the trauma will affect my health.

No point in making myself suffer by holding onto my pride. I’m not a healthy person. It sucks but that’s me. This is the only body I got and pretending I can do everything like I used to is self destructive.

This is me admitting I have a weak body and I promise to start listening to it when it tells me to slow down.

Like now.

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