I’m learning to ask for help a little more firmly, now. In light of recent events and ever present nightmares, I am going to submit a request to Surrey Mental Health for a registered psychiatrist and proper diagnosis. I will also ask about other possible therapy’s I can try. I know anti-depressants could be a life-time drug for me, but I’d like to try other combination therapy or even new trials…
I don’t want to be another statistic to depression. Its been 3 weeks and Greg’s suicide still haunts me; every time my brain starts to fall back into those negative patterns I get mad at myself, then I get mad at him. Then I feel unbearably frustrated at how easy the same stress can be minor and easy to handle for one person, but the same stress becomes a burden too great to bare for another.
So I will be the one to admit my illness, and ask for real help. I don’t know what my real diagnosis will be but I’m prepared to face it. Maybe it can give light on my CPS too, who knows.
I started a nightly (and sometimes morning) yoga routine. Depending how I feel each day of course, I cant push myself too hard again, it becomes redundant to hurt myself more. But the evening yoga stretches are really good for releasing tension. And my friend is teaching me how to sew, so hopefully I can finish my cosplay in time for Anime Revolution. Its both exciting and nerve racking. But it gives me something to focus on, aside from death.
I don’t feel like committing suicide of course, I don’t know if its existential crisis or not but I am thinking about death and what happens during and after. Thinking about it a lot. What can I do for myself now? How do I make life worth living again? Where did my joys go?
Studying Japanese with my boyfriend and best friend in private tutor lessons for JLPT, is a good start I hope. I want to speak Japanese. I want to work with the culture and the people of Japan. I still want to go back to my spot in Higashi Ikebukuro.
So I will rehabilitate myself. Step by step, I’m finding my way back.
Scary as fuck to be honest.