Depression. Suicide. Suffering. Alone.

Been having panic attacks this week. The full on attacks had mostly subsided for the past while, about a month. But I’m getting them daily, sometimes more!

This week has been harsh emotionally; Greg’s been gone a month,
Robin Williams also committed suicide in eerily similar fashion. Paws and Taffy’s birthdays are this week (10th and 15th respectfully). Then my boyfriends godfather passed away too. My head is swimming in negative and overwhelmingly sad thoughts.

Fear and paranoia grip me tightly again, as if it never let me go in the first place. I don’t know what feelings to replace them with. Life feels surreal, and death is constantly in my face.

I sob in my sleep, I wake up wet and exhausted. Like I barely slept at all. Always waking up, no reason, just awake. Insomnia is hitting back hard in response to the increasing nightmare intensity.

RTS Relapse? Maybe.

Fearing bf going back to work full time / aka weekend sleepovers only. The very thought of not seeing him every 2 days is nauseating.

And there’s the whole “missing Japan so much it hurts” thing. Ya that sucks too. I’ve met so many amazing people from Japan, and when friends go back for good, I just want to follow them home. But then I remind myself I can’t keep running away from my problems.

Not sure how much longer I can hold things together. I’m trying I stay strong while I wait. Because Canada health care system is all about the wait-lists.

All I can say is, for now other eighters are keeping me sane with Eito’s insanity. I can forget the chaos around me for a few hours, and just laugh and feel the love.

Thank you Kanjani∞ for saving my smile. I can still laugh because of you.
Even when the Universe wants me to cry, Eito Rangers save me every time.

Shameless love. Infinitely grateful.


One response to “Relapse

  1. One day at a time babe! It’s terrible you can’t sleep…try looking up some natural remedies (ie. lavendar under a pillow) that may help. You are fabulous and the universe is amazing at balancing out the negative with the positive.

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