It’s been a rough month

Had another mental break last week. Not as bad as the one at work, I didn’t lose consciousness or experience any sort of flashback, but I certainly felt like completely giving up on myself.

Dealing with government is never a fun endeavour. But the gruelling drawn out process in Canada had taken it’s toll in me. I misplaced BOTH my SIN card and birth certificate, documents one needs when dealing with the government and acquiring assistance for my RTS.

I officially can’t work for 3-6 months, so I couldn’t afford continued counselling and other therapies on my own. The whole process is strict and daunting and it means FULL disclosure. I had to tell my “story” twice over the phone.

It’s strange how much harder it gets voicing it out loud. Typing it out via thoughts is easier somehow; no painful lump in the throat to remind me how helpless I feel about it. I don’t like hearing my voice like that. I feel detached and yet so constricted at the same time.

I eventually found my birth certificate and got everything sorted out. Most people are sensitive and understanding to my situation and often soften their voices around me as if I may break any moment from the building stress. Maybe I will.

My brain does scary things if I’m off on timing of taking the antidepressants, even by a few hours. It’s really scary sometimes.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy this summer to pacify resurfacing fears, but doing so has only painfully drained me. There’s no hiding from it anymore. I need to go back to therapy. After weeks on the wait list, I finally have an assessment on Tuesday.

I also have Cataracts in my right eye… at 26years old. It’s so bad I need surgery. Another wait list.

I’m getting so worn down lately; sneezing, sore lymph nodes in both my neck and armpits, coupled with an inner ear infection. I feel gross and helpless.

I want control of my life again. I don’t want my love ones to be hurt by me or worry about me. I want to stop hurting myself, emotionally I mean.
I want to find myself again. I’ve been fighting and pushing so hard, but my body clearly needs the break.

The darkness is back.

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