Clear day

The fog has lifted a bit. Today was okay. Waking up sweaty coupled with bad thoughts throughout the day here and there still sucks, but overall today wasn’t bad.

Trying hard to focus on the positives in my life. It’s so hard. The pain and depression grips me so suddenly and tightly; I have absolutely no way of fighting it.

Finding a good day is half the battle.

Inner self hatred doesn’t help.

But then I think of my boyfriend, and the future we have together. I’m so excited to start my life with him, but neither of us, especially me, is anywhere near ready for that.

Patience in love has never been my strong suit. I crave love and affection from most people (I guess you could say that’s why I pursue a career in entertainment). I can’t stand when people stay mad at me, and it hurts when they just don’t care anymore. I can get paranoid about it in my dark moments. I don’t like letting go of people I love, even when the love is toxic or one-sided. My fatal flaw is so shallow.

Fear or being alone. Unloved. No friends. Forgotten. Oblivion.

But I already have the only love I will ever need, because he loves me back just as deeply, just as fiercely as I love him. It’s what my heart and mind needs the most. He’s my best friend. And I’m so lucky he’s mine. I know in my soul that he’s “The One”.

Sometimes I lose sight of that. He’s my soulmate but even that doesn’t save me from this disease. Depression doesn’t care that I found the love of my life. Depression doesn’t care that I should be happy as fuck! That’s not how this works.

But it’s nice to remind myself anyway.