Feelings are feelings

Earlier this week someone reminded me that when two people change, their friendship should change with them. The friendship (or relationship) needs to grow with two people as they both have their own identities and feelings too.

In this realization and the realization that I need to be honest with people about my feelings, I faced a hard truth.

Feelings are just feelings, not facts. That doesn’t make it wrong to feel, but it can cloud the truth. It’s easy to get swept away with strong emotions. Especially anger or hurt.

This week has been a roller coaster of friendship. First, I reconnect with an old friend whom I once thought was completely gone for good. Then, I completely lost another friend (more like a sister after 10+ years) who I could never imagine leaving me so coldly.

Yet here I am, and I’m okay with it.

The person I love and miss is not the same girl I am trying to reach out to. She is not the girl I spent weeks of school breaks with, the net sisters that would book flights to see each other, the sleepless nights of RPing until morning. Good memories, but just that. Only memories. We are both very different people now. And that’s okay.

But after she made threats to report me, kicked me down with her words (“I don’t give a shit about your opinions”), and finally issued an ultimatum, she ended her rant by telling me I was a terrible person if I didn’t follow through with her demands.

Can you blame me for taking a few days to respond to that? I was hurt and offended. I need to calm down and think. Did I really want to be friends with this girl would could speak down to me and beat me down so easily, like I wasn’t good enough to be her friend anyway.

My therapist and the workbooks have warned me I may lose friendships. I’m told it’s best to be honest with my feelings and to surround myself with supportive and loving friends/family. She is not one of those people.

(This is the same girl who accused me of abusing the welfare system and that the chronic pain was in my head. )

I tried forgetting all the times she hurt me (I truly wanted to mend this friendship) and how I was always the one apologizing and gravelling to her, even if I was the one that was hurt by her words. But after receiving her verbal lashing I realized we are both too different now.

I also realized she doesn’t care about my feelings at all, our connection is gone, the love is gone. There’s no way of reaching her feelings with mine. I’ve been in her negative light way too long. The friendship has turned toxic.

If she can’t respect or love me for who I am (clashing opinions included), how can I possibly respect and love her back?

I believe I have every right to take photos of a police officer who is texting and driving (the ultimatum was “delete it or end friendship”). I don’t think it’s wrong to post a blurry photo of it as evidence. I felt unsafe when I saw it, and I feel unsafe that this friend (and so many others) proclaims she texts and drives and it’s no big deal. Distracted driving isn’t a big deal.
To me it is a big deal.

That does not make me a terrible person. I did the right thing. However, I don’t think issuing an ultimatum during a bump in the friendship is the right way to mend things. That’s the terrible part.

She blocked me before I could I express my feelings. It’s for the best anyway, nothing I would’ve said could’ve saved our friendship.

My boyfriend helped me realize I deserve a friend that can support me and acknowledge my feelings. I need positive people in my life, people that make me happy. Not someone who will tear me down. Especially since I’m on another waiting list for ptsd therapy, I don’t need the extra stress.

I loved her truly and honestly, one day I hope she sees that.

I did my best.
Things will be okay.


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