Long ride

After losing yet another long time friendship, to what feels like nothing and absolutely pointless reasoning – I lost the urge to write more.  

I’ve been battling the depression side of PTSD for the past 5 months. Trying to convince myself nothing is wrong with me. I’m a victim, a survivor, living with chronic pain and PTSD.  I’m not a terrible person. 

“Why did the two girls I considered as sisters just give up on our friendships so easily? Especially relationships that have faced harsher battles than petty internet drama. Why did she turn her back on me when I had already reached out to one of them about my PTSD out of pure trust of our strong friendship over the years? All the money me and my family has spent on her out of love and support when she was jobless and couldn’t pay rent, and has yet to show any thanks or payment back?  

Am I the only person with feelings? Am I the only person who hurts when a friendship ends? How can they be so cold? Why do I apparently feel emotionally hurt so much stronger than others?”

I think these destructive thoughts and more- until they make me sick. 

My therapist helps. Differentiating between owning my own feelings vs owning the feelings of others has been a struggle. Owning what is mine and what I can and can’t control has been eye opening. I was owning so many emotions, judgements and feelings that weren’t mine to personalize. 

Money is just money in the end. And the friendships weren’t that important to them in the end. I have to accept these facts.  I have to be okay with the hurtful things said on both parts, including my own words. Nothing changes the past, and the past doesn’t gaurentee friendship. 

After facing the feelings with those girls in therapy, I was able to find some clarity. 

I have a billion other things I need to focus on instead of people who clearly don’t give a damn about me anymore. Why waste my energy and tears on people who just tore me down or threw me away, in the end. I can’t change how they act or feel; that’s their emotions and anger, not mine. 

I can only change how I feel and control how I act; so I forgive both of them, now.  

There’s nothing else I can do for them, and I deserve the peace of mind. It took me a long time to find the forgiveness, but I remembered I loved them, flaws and all – and that was never wrong. 

There was nothing wrong with me feeling hurt, and there was nothing wrong with them terminating the friendship If the feelings were no longer mutual. 

They were the sisters I didn’t have, and  so I can only wish them the best. They deserve nothing but love and calm in their lives. I hope they find it. 

I’m okay with saying goodbye with a smile and love in my heart, even if alone. Because the love was real. And I am happy to own that emotion instead. 

Now I’m focusing on reclaiming my confidence in public settings. I’ll be starting group therapy in June… I’m scared af about it to be honest. 

Being around people I don’t know sends me into anxiety attacks. Extremely paranoid of loud belligerent idiots on transit, especially. Makes getting around Vancouver emotionally and physically painful at times. 

Nightmares are still every night – sometimes my rapist finds me in Canada and I wake up crying and physically exhausted. I’m always running away, always terrified. I don’t rest when I sleep, clenching my jaw without realizing gives me tensions headaches when I wake up. 

Health is declining again. Insomnia, fatique, vertigo. Symptoms are endless. Although the pain is definitely more manageable than a few months ago. 

Ridiculously emotional lately. I don’t know what all the tears mean; sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. 

Feels like the road to recovery is endless. Can’t wait to find myself back home in Ikebukuro. 

It’s been too long.