Childish thoughts

I’ve come a long way. 

Not having sessions with my therapist doesn’t seem so daunting anymore. I am currently transitioned from one on one therapy to both group therapy (interpersonal processing) and one on one psychotherapy and medicine trials with my psychiatrist. I’m finally ready to begin to face the real world again and test myself. 

I’m ready to start the next chapter in my life, it excites me. 

But I’m still teetering on the edge, not quite ready -or able- to tip over into the “normal routine” of life. 

Been keeping a mood journal, it helps me reconcile with my triggers faster. The flashbacks and panic attacks are shorter in duration. It still sucks to have them, especially when I still learning what my triggers are and why they manifest- but I can bring myself out of the state eventually on my own and that means I am gaining ground. 

Ive also have been trying to keep myself busy. Volunteering my time to help a friend promote and organize events for her new business. If only to forget I’m not in Japan.  I’m being helpful – or so I tell myself – even though it hurts sometimes (both physically and mentally). It’s stressful but rewarding. 

I don’t want others to worry about me anymore. I want to stop my childish jealousy and feelings towards those who get to go back to Japan. I want to work for real and support my boyfriend so we can move to Japan, together. He’s truly the greatest gift the universe could ever give me. 

Still working to fix my sleep hygiene, insomnia is a tough bitch. 

The vivid memories are possibly the worst. Like a watered down version of a flashback.  It doesn’t get me into a state of black out panic like a flashback can, more like an unexpected movie playing vividly in my brain.  I am often unable to concentrate on anything except the memory, while the rest of the world continues on without me. I’m so zoned out into the memory, I can actually see it.  It’s creepy but it doesn’t affect me as strongly, it just brings about the insecurities and the “why game”. 

Then of course I’m constantly asking people to repeat themselves – like I’m deaf and can’t understand them. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the mundane and simple things around me. 

Just force an apologetic smile and pretend.  Pretend my smile is always genuine. Pretend I’m fine. Pretend I want to be here. 

Ever since Greg committed suicide last year I’ve been trying my hardest not to have those thoughts. Trying my hardest to be compassionate to myself and stop feeling so worthless. That’s a hard habit to break. 

I feel like a failure – I’m stuck in Canada with mental and physical illnesses and I am unable to pursue my goals and dreams in Japan. And it’s literally tearing me apart from the inside out. 

“When are you coming back? I thought you would be back by now!”

Me too. 

This wasn’t my plan. The possibility of becoming a rape victim before I even left Japan didn’t cross my mind. (But really who does?) My goals didn’t include climbing the mountain that is trauma recovery. This wasn’t supposed to be my life, my dream. 

It’s a fucked up long-ass detour, yes, but I know I can’t let it stop me or what I want to do. One day at a time and I’ll find my way back. 

I’ll be ok. I’m already better. 

The hardest part is convincing yourself. 

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