Transition

Fatigue cradles me in her arms. The journey of finding self is exhausting. Yet strangely peaceful.

I feel my old insecurities shedding from my body. Less accusations and assumptions, more forgiveness.

I’m still scared, rather jumpy at times. The fear and anxiety indicted from loud strangers is a completely different battle than the inner nightmares I deal with every day.

One battle of control over my physical body reactions vs the battle of the voices and emotions inside my head.

Two sides of the same coin.

I’m ready to let the fearful girl die. Rather, I want to be ready, but who ever knows when healing is truly over?

I’m facing another fear tonight;
My doc is fast tracking my tests after checking two small lumps on the right side of my neck. With my night sweats and constant low energy, all tests will be done tonight and tomorrow. (Blood, chest X-ray, ultrasound)

That’s enough to get anyone nervous, I suppose. Obviously I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something benign; but the dark fears in me scream out during times like this. You smile and try to convince yourself it’s nothing of huge worry; simultaneously on the inside you’re screaming in fear.

Breathe.

Find love.

Find peace.

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Feelings are feelings

Earlier this week someone reminded me that when two people change, their friendship should change with them. The friendship (or relationship) needs to grow with two people as they both have their own identities and feelings too.

In this realization and the realization that I need to be honest with people about my feelings, I faced a hard truth.

Feelings are just feelings, not facts. That doesn’t make it wrong to feel, but it can cloud the truth. It’s easy to get swept away with strong emotions. Especially anger or hurt.

This week has been a roller coaster of friendship. First, I reconnect with an old friend whom I once thought was completely gone for good. Then, I completely lost another friend (more like a sister after 10+ years) who I could never imagine leaving me so coldly.

Yet here I am, and I’m okay with it.

The person I love and miss is not the same girl I am trying to reach out to. She is not the girl I spent weeks of school breaks with, the net sisters that would book flights to see each other, the sleepless nights of RPing until morning. Good memories, but just that. Only memories. We are both very different people now. And that’s okay.

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Welcomed Distractions

Cleaned out, sorted and reorganized my room in 2 days flat! All by myself! It’s empowering to have this type of control again. It’s making me feel normal.

I managed to get a really good TV stand with sliding door storage and shelves. FOR FREE! Thank you craigslist!

Now we just wait for my new 32″ TV to arrive on Monday, and then my LED rainbow rope lights next week- and my room will swallow me forever. Also for FREE! Thanks boyfriend/his brother.

Bf convinced me (with his own wallet) to get me a bigger tv for when we move out (come sooner, April! Indeed, can’t wait to move out). Then, his brother ordered more rope lights he bought, because he saw how much I loved them after showing them to me in his room. These boys♡

I need more projects like this. Still hurt myself (back, legs and chronic pain area again), mainly because I was too stubborn/determined to move all the heavy stuff by myself. Own fault. I’ll try to be more careful next time.

I just need more ideas.

Every day is a battle. But for the past two days I’ve won the war inside my head. It’s self destructive to wonder when everything will come crashing down again. It takes all my strength to focus on anything except my own thoughts.

Less dangerous, less painful.

Tomorrow is unknown, I want to live in the moment instead of only feeling the fears of the future.

辛いけれど、頑張ります。

almost normal

This is going to be another ramble-y/random post.

I am attempting to multitask writing this entry while watching The Rock play Hercules.
Like I said… Random.

I usually love The Rock, hes funny and I always felt hes a better actor than wrestler (STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN ALL DA WAY!). But when it comes to my love of Greek mythology and my subsequent childhood addiction to “The Legend of Hercules” and “Xena; Warrior Princess”, I’m still rather uncomfortable at the 10 min mark of Dwayne attempting to channel that epic hero. I am squirming inside for is Kevin Sorbo to show up and save his character! X’D

This type of thinking pattern is better. Though random, simple things like this pull me back to a nostalgic sense of peace. This me is slowly settling down and finding parts of myself again. I catch her in moments like this and even though I try to hang on to this part of me, she eventually slips back into pain.

Normalcy is fleeting, I want to capture it.

(24hrs later, i ended up watching a diff movie koz hercules got slow, just finished watching it now )

I’m glad I came back to finish this movie. Though it stalled for a bit, the second half of the movie was more enjoyable and had more funny moments and on point timing for the one liners. Little cheesy but great soundtrack. Glad I skipped theaters for this one though, nice at home movie anyway.

Changed my sheets and refreshing my blankets by fabreezing the crap outta them and tossing them in the dryer with fabric sheets. I sweat way too much at night. mostly because nightmares are relentless. And its stinky! D: I cant stand sleeping on sheets I’ve already soaked through, even if they are dry. I can smell it and it never feels dry after. Maybe I’m just sensitive but it drives me crazy.

Good News: my purple hair doesn’t bleed like the red did… so many sheets/pillow cases/clothes ruined from red hair sweat ;__;

I’ll be rearranging my room this week. Moving my desktop downstairs possibly to make it a family computer. I’ll have a TV and my PS3 in my room instead of that huge desk. I cant wait to get rid of it. Its hiding a lot of storage space in my cabinet and blocking a lot of posters/display case. Its so wobbly and dirty, I kinda wanna fix it up and donate it to Talize or some place. (We already donated tons of clothes and shoes to Sally’s). Odds are I’ll find ore stuff to donate and sell as I clean up that desk area.

I haven’t even started cleaning it out and Kleo is already having a hissy fit. She hates change the most.

Its gunna be a long night.

Clear day

The fog has lifted a bit. Today was okay. Waking up sweaty coupled with bad thoughts throughout the day here and there still sucks, but overall today wasn’t bad.

Trying hard to focus on the positives in my life. It’s so hard. The pain and depression grips me so suddenly and tightly; I have absolutely no way of fighting it.

Finding a good day is half the battle.

Inner self hatred doesn’t help.

But then I think of my boyfriend, and the future we have together. I’m so excited to start my life with him, but neither of us, especially me, is anywhere near ready for that.

Patience in love has never been my strong suit. I crave love and affection from most people (I guess you could say that’s why I pursue a career in entertainment). I can’t stand when people stay mad at me, and it hurts when they just don’t care anymore. I can get paranoid about it in my dark moments. I don’t like letting go of people I love, even when the love is toxic or one-sided. My fatal flaw is so shallow.

Fear or being alone. Unloved. No friends. Forgotten. Oblivion.

But I already have the only love I will ever need, because he loves me back just as deeply, just as fiercely as I love him. It’s what my heart and mind needs the most. He’s my best friend. And I’m so lucky he’s mine. I know in my soul that he’s “The One”.

Sometimes I lose sight of that. He’s my soulmate but even that doesn’t save me from this disease. Depression doesn’t care that I found the love of my life. Depression doesn’t care that I should be happy as fuck! That’s not how this works.

But it’s nice to remind myself anyway.