Transition

Fatigue cradles me in her arms. The journey of finding self is exhausting. Yet strangely peaceful.

I feel my old insecurities shedding from my body. Less accusations and assumptions, more forgiveness.

I’m still scared, rather jumpy at times. The fear and anxiety indicted from loud strangers is a completely different battle than the inner nightmares I deal with every day.

One battle of control over my physical body reactions vs the battle of the voices and emotions inside my head.

Two sides of the same coin.

I’m ready to let the fearful girl die. Rather, I want to be ready, but who ever knows when healing is truly over?

I’m facing another fear tonight;
My doc is fast tracking my tests after checking two small lumps on the right side of my neck. With my night sweats and constant low energy, all tests will be done tonight and tomorrow. (Blood, chest X-ray, ultrasound)

That’s enough to get anyone nervous, I suppose. Obviously I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something benign; but the dark fears in me scream out during times like this. You smile and try to convince yourself it’s nothing of huge worry; simultaneously on the inside you’re screaming in fear.

Breathe.

Find love.

Find peace.

almost normal

This is going to be another ramble-y/random post.

I am attempting to multitask writing this entry while watching The Rock play Hercules.
Like I said… Random.

I usually love The Rock, hes funny and I always felt hes a better actor than wrestler (STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN ALL DA WAY!). But when it comes to my love of Greek mythology and my subsequent childhood addiction to “The Legend of Hercules” and “Xena; Warrior Princess”, I’m still rather uncomfortable at the 10 min mark of Dwayne attempting to channel that epic hero. I am squirming inside for is Kevin Sorbo to show up and save his character! X’D

This type of thinking pattern is better. Though random, simple things like this pull me back to a nostalgic sense of peace. This me is slowly settling down and finding parts of myself again. I catch her in moments like this and even though I try to hang on to this part of me, she eventually slips back into pain.

Normalcy is fleeting, I want to capture it.

(24hrs later, i ended up watching a diff movie koz hercules got slow, just finished watching it now )

I’m glad I came back to finish this movie. Though it stalled for a bit, the second half of the movie was more enjoyable and had more funny moments and on point timing for the one liners. Little cheesy but great soundtrack. Glad I skipped theaters for this one though, nice at home movie anyway.

Changed my sheets and refreshing my blankets by fabreezing the crap outta them and tossing them in the dryer with fabric sheets. I sweat way too much at night. mostly because nightmares are relentless. And its stinky! D: I cant stand sleeping on sheets I’ve already soaked through, even if they are dry. I can smell it and it never feels dry after. Maybe I’m just sensitive but it drives me crazy.

Good News: my purple hair doesn’t bleed like the red did… so many sheets/pillow cases/clothes ruined from red hair sweat ;__;

I’ll be rearranging my room this week. Moving my desktop downstairs possibly to make it a family computer. I’ll have a TV and my PS3 in my room instead of that huge desk. I cant wait to get rid of it. Its hiding a lot of storage space in my cabinet and blocking a lot of posters/display case. Its so wobbly and dirty, I kinda wanna fix it up and donate it to Talize or some place. (We already donated tons of clothes and shoes to Sally’s). Odds are I’ll find ore stuff to donate and sell as I clean up that desk area.

I haven’t even started cleaning it out and Kleo is already having a hissy fit. She hates change the most.

Its gunna be a long night.