“You are not alone”

Been having horrible nightmares this week, mostly I’m running away from people who want to hurt or kill me (usually men I don’t been know).
Eventually I dreamt of /him/. He wasn’t chasing me, instead he was complaining loudly about how horrible I treated him…

I woke up crying and mad (I think the first shred of fleeting anger towards my rapist). I should be the one complaining loudly! But I can’t! Here I am, suffering from anxiety and stress-induced chronic pain every fucking day, and he prob doesn’t even know he raped me.

How sick is that?

When can I scream? When can I find my lost voice? Just telling an additional three people about the rape feels very scary.

I don’t want to burden people with such heavy emotions and vulgar images, but I honestly don’t even know who wants to help me.

I’m reaching out to old friends, nostalgia and love soothes the anxiety. I find comfort with people I feel safe around, but maybe that’s too selfish of me? I mean, everyone has their own life, their own stress, their own problems- I begin to feel selfish for dumping my heaviest problems on them too.

I know rape is not an easy thing to talk about. There isn’t much a person can say or do to make either of us feel better about it; after all, nothing changes the past. But I’ve begun to realize when I surround myself with people who can make me laugh and forget about the pain, I finally feel free. I guess that means I can only feel peace when I’m not alone.

It’s sad.

Monday is the start of therapy. I’m not sure where this journey will lead or how long the healing process will take me, but I am committed to facing these fears and facing myself.

Homework; Questions

“Even if you cant answer yet, ask yourself the questions anyway…”

Why can’t I move forward? Why do I feel stupid? Why can’t I just let go and understand /he/ is the only one responsible for his actions? Why can’t I feel the emotions for /him/? Why do I instead feel angry at myself for that week? Why did I choose to drink the problems away?

I don’t know.

Why do I soak in self blame and frustration? Why can’t I feel the world the way I used to? Why are my thoughts saturated in negativity? How do I stop?

I don’t know.

How do I break free? When will the nightmares end? When can I feel normal again? I’m stuck. Caught in the never ending loop.

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