Relapse – 123

Where have I been? Where am I going?

Things were getting better. Almost normal, it was nice…

Tense and time, they test me still – the burden is heavy this time.

Our trip to Japan had refreshed us for a year. 2016, the year of our renewal was short lived… After graduating from therapy on my own choice and moving forward with personal projects and events – I felt stronger. I was making choices for myself again.

We both were doing so well. I could almost forget about the fear of triggers or the waxing and waning of my chronic pain waves. I was falling into a new normal.

Slowly stress would creep up on me, slipping her fingers through the cracks and into my fears. My new position arrived on lipservice and lies – broken promises began to show their colours as I was denied a position I thought I earned. Only to have everything taken away from me, all I could do was watch as everything I worked for began to fall apart, there was nothing I could do because I had already lost my “power”.

Finally, as a last kick, I was denied full payment for my hard work. Work that stressed me to the point of breakdown. Payment I earned fairly, all while feeling like a failure, losing my grip on myself in the empty event parking lot- letting my friend and coworker hug me as I tried to hold on to what little strength in myself I had left.He was equally stressed and upset and there was nothing either of us could do to save it.

So I walked away. Months later… Knowing I may never see all the money they owe me. Knowing all my ideas and future projects probably meant nothing to them from the beginning.

One.

Knowing I may never bring anything I envisioned to light. I settled my heart, wanting nothing else except to find peace-  I did my best, I met people I love and care for. That was enough of an experience to push me forward despite the embarrassment.

It should have been. I should have kept moving forward despite the stress; because it was something I enjoying doing with friends I love, for the country and culture I love. It was just one stressful thing – I could jump the hurdle soon. I only need to push a bit more and be a bit more patient with everything…

Until the accident happened, and everything spiralled down out of control, again. Only this time there was no warning. Rear-ended and caught off guard. The noise of the accident, bumper on bumper – blacking out – it triggered me; but the whiplash, minor concussion had me in the hospital on a painful spinal board for hours. Later it would turn into severe back/shoulder/neck pain and constant headaches. I wasn’t broken yet…

Two.

What is “Chronic Pain”, again? Why couldn’t I just move forward in my life with the pain I already learned to live with, why did the accident have to make everything worse? How many more years of physical pain do I deserve? How horrible was my past life, how many more karma cycles must I endure the price?

Physiotherapy. Registered Massage Therapy. I’m told to get them both.

“You need time to heal.” Right? WRONG!

Instead, the ICBC Physio “Doctor” assigned to help me recover, assaulted me… he pulled down my pants to massage my bare ass… what part of my ass is healing the pain in my back/neck/head? How can a doctor in a position of authority and trust, try to see through my open hospital gown to my chest. Nothing felt right. Nothing feels right since. Is this what it feels like to break again?

Three.

How many more times must I be a victim? How many more years of emotional/psychological pain do I deserve? How many more times must I register for a therapy wait-list? How many more times must my PTSD triggers relapse? I wanted to be better, but instead, I’ve fallen 3 steps behind again. 3 blows to my healing soul, 0 protections against the darkness of my mind.

My body aches every day, I struggle to smile with such heavy thoughts drowning me out. Calling doctors offices give me anxiety now. I have panic attacks thinking about making appointments or getting on buses to get to those offices – I feel heavy and burdened.

I hate my life right now. But more than that… I hate myself.

私は引きこもりなりました…
体が痛いし、いろいろと重い考えとつらいよ。
ちゃんとがんばりたいなのに、最近元気ない、
何もできない。
やっぱり自分は嫌い、穴があったら入りたいよ。

もし自分はいないのに世界が続くのよ、でしょう?
私わ消えるがいいと思う

これらの言葉ですらいつか消えてしまいます

一 二 三

 

 

 

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10 days

I’m 10 days away from flying back to Japan with the love of my life. 

Just two days ago I was still reeling from the high the mere thought of returning HOME gave me. 

So why am I depressed today?

Why do I feel like I can never go back? Like something will stop me in the end. Expecting the worst. 

And then there’s the fear. 

The fear of all the possible triggers I don’t even know I have, because I haven’t returned to Japan since the rape. The final month feels like a blur. What have I forgotten? What will I remember?

The fear of having a flashback or a meltdown while we are supposed to be having fun or in a public setting. Ruining special moments because my brain is out of control. 

The fear of seeing him would be the first thought to most minds- but that doesn’t scare me as much as the memories do. 

Is that weird?

I know my boyfriend can protect me from him physically, but he can’t stop a flashback – there is no safety in the depths of my mind. 

I’m tired of the nightmares and the crying. It’s exhausting not being able to sleep soundly. 

All I can do now is try to dream of Ikebukuro – my safe place – and hope my brain will eventually comply and bring back the high. 

10 days. 

A guide for loved ones

These past two months have taught me that listening to someone who has PTSD talk about what happened to them is a challenge. I have received many surprising emotions and reactions from both friends and family since coming forward with my trauma: Understanding, sympathy, love, and support of course, but on the opposite spectrum- it can be overwhelming, insensitive, frustrating or upsetting.

Both myself and those who love me share these reactions to my trauma. Its not a comfortable topic for daily conversation and certainly not easy to listen to. So, since I’ve been reading through my homework and external links, I’ve compiled some points that stood out to me.

I’d like to share them with my readers of course, but mostly for the friends and family that read this. Hopefully these notes can help those who care for me understand a bit better.

  • She needs to talk abut it. It sucks to hear about it. Try to remember that living through it was worse. Now, because of PTSD, she is going over and over it in her mind. Reliving the horror everyday. This is what is making her sick. This is the poison that is eating away at her. Telling someone is like washing out a infected cut. It stings, it burns, it grosses out people, but it is the only way to get rid of the poison.
    Her greatest need is to tell what happened. Her greatest fear is that if she tells, she will lose your love. You probably won’t understand what it was like and she may have done things you both know are wrong. She is afraid of being judged. She has already lost a big part of herself to this trauma. She can’t stand to lose you, too. And if she tells, maybe she will.
    It will take a great deal of courage for her to talk about her trauma. So please listen, and don’t judge her. She is still the person you used to know. But she has been hurt, big time, and she is trying to piece her life back together. In time, she will see her actions clearly and make amends if necessary. But right now, she needs to tell someone and not be rejected for the telling.(1)”
  • PTSD symptoms include;
    -Re-experiencing symptoms(flashbacks/nightmares/intense intrusive memories), they can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
    -Avoidance symptoms (“emotional anesthesia”/distant/numb/avoidant), staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience.
    -Hyperarousal symptoms (being on edge/jumpy/angry outbursts/hypervigilance) are usually constant.(4)”
    “It’s important to remember that the person may not always have control over his or her behavior. Anger, irritability, depression, apathy, mistrust, and negativity are common PTSD symptoms that your loved one can’t simply choose to turn off. With time and treatment, they will get better, but it’s a gradual process.(3)”
  • “Their memory is seriously impaired. This is not amnesia: in fact, it is almost the opposite! The trauma comes back, bursting into awareness, when it isn’t wanted or welcome. This “hot memory” lasts minutes to hours and may be clear or altered, like a dream. It is very disturbing for two reasons. The person with PTSD becomes flooded with something frightening, or disgusting, or tragic. And she or he may feel entirely out of conscious control. Often the trauma comes back in subtle ways – a fleeting feeling, a vague sense of dis-ease. This may not be terrifying, but when it occurs frequently it changes one’s whole sense of being the person they once were. Unwanted mental experiences can also include nightmares. The worst memory symptom is the waking nightmare, the flashback. This is as vivid as reality, and may actually seem like reality. (5)”
  • They need your love and support. They need comfort and your reassurance. What they don’t need, at least right now, is your advice. What they will never need is for you to judge them.
    Do not criticize your friends’ choices. They may have made some huge mistakes, but they don’t need you to point that out to them. They will come to that realization on their own. Or maybe those “mistakes” were the best options they had under the circumstances. They’ll figure that out on their own, too.(1)”
  • Be patient and avoid harsh remarks. Stay away from telling your friend or family member to get over their problems.(2)”
    “A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past, stop talking about it and move on. (3)”
  • Accept (and expect) mixed feelings – As you go through the emotional wringer, be prepared for a complicated mix of feelings—some of which you’ll never want to admit. Just remember, having negative feelings toward your family member doesn’t mean you don’t love them.(3)”
  • “It may be hard for you to hear what they have to say. They may have experienced things you don’t understand, things you’ve never heard of or thought could happen. They didn’t think those things could happen, either. But they did. That is why they have PTSD. They are struggling to make sense of what happened.
    It will hurt you to hear how they were hurt. It may make you cry. It may sicken you. It may make you angry. It may overwhelm you.
    Stop them when you have had enough. It was awful for them and it is awful for you to hear it, so realize you will reach a point of overload. Tell them you need a break. Reassure them.(1)”

(1) http://www.heal-post-traumatic-stress.com/
(2) http://casapalmera.com/ways-to-support-someone-with-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
(3) http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm
(4) http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
(5) http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/partners.html