Childish thoughts

I’ve come a long way. 

Not having sessions with my therapist doesn’t seem so daunting anymore. I am currently transitioned from one on one therapy to both group therapy (interpersonal processing) and one on one psychotherapy and medicine trials with my psychiatrist. I’m finally ready to begin to face the real world again and test myself. 

I’m ready to start the next chapter in my life, it excites me. 

But I’m still teetering on the edge, not quite ready -or able- to tip over into the “normal routine” of life. 

Been keeping a mood journal, it helps me reconcile with my triggers faster. The flashbacks and panic attacks are shorter in duration. It still sucks to have them, especially when I still learning what my triggers are and why they manifest- but I can bring myself out of the state eventually on my own and that means I am gaining ground. 

Ive also have been trying to keep myself busy. Volunteering my time to help a friend promote and organize events for her new business. If only to forget I’m not in Japan.  I’m being helpful – or so I tell myself – even though it hurts sometimes (both physically and mentally). It’s stressful but rewarding. 

I don’t want others to worry about me anymore. I want to stop my childish jealousy and feelings towards those who get to go back to Japan. I want to work for real and support my boyfriend so we can move to Japan, together. He’s truly the greatest gift the universe could ever give me. 

Still working to fix my sleep hygiene, insomnia is a tough bitch. 

The vivid memories are possibly the worst. Like a watered down version of a flashback.  It doesn’t get me into a state of black out panic like a flashback can, more like an unexpected movie playing vividly in my brain.  I am often unable to concentrate on anything except the memory, while the rest of the world continues on without me. I’m so zoned out into the memory, I can actually see it.  It’s creepy but it doesn’t affect me as strongly, it just brings about the insecurities and the “why game”. 

Then of course I’m constantly asking people to repeat themselves – like I’m deaf and can’t understand them. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the mundane and simple things around me. 

Just force an apologetic smile and pretend.  Pretend my smile is always genuine. Pretend I’m fine. Pretend I want to be here. 

Ever since Greg committed suicide last year I’ve been trying my hardest not to have those thoughts. Trying my hardest to be compassionate to myself and stop feeling so worthless. That’s a hard habit to break. 

I feel like a failure – I’m stuck in Canada with mental and physical illnesses and I am unable to pursue my goals and dreams in Japan. And it’s literally tearing me apart from the inside out. 

“When are you coming back? I thought you would be back by now!”

Me too. 

This wasn’t my plan. The possibility of becoming a rape victim before I even left Japan didn’t cross my mind. (But really who does?) My goals didn’t include climbing the mountain that is trauma recovery. This wasn’t supposed to be my life, my dream. 

It’s a fucked up long-ass detour, yes, but I know I can’t let it stop me or what I want to do. One day at a time and I’ll find my way back. 

I’ll be ok. I’m already better. 

The hardest part is convincing yourself. 

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Long ride

After losing yet another long time friendship, to what feels like nothing and absolutely pointless reasoning – I lost the urge to write more.  

I’ve been battling the depression side of PTSD for the past 5 months. Trying to convince myself nothing is wrong with me. I’m a victim, a survivor, living with chronic pain and PTSD.  I’m not a terrible person. 

“Why did the two girls I considered as sisters just give up on our friendships so easily? Especially relationships that have faced harsher battles than petty internet drama. Why did she turn her back on me when I had already reached out to one of them about my PTSD out of pure trust of our strong friendship over the years? All the money me and my family has spent on her out of love and support when she was jobless and couldn’t pay rent, and has yet to show any thanks or payment back?  

Am I the only person with feelings? Am I the only person who hurts when a friendship ends? How can they be so cold? Why do I apparently feel emotionally hurt so much stronger than others?”

I think these destructive thoughts and more- until they make me sick. 

My therapist helps. Differentiating between owning my own feelings vs owning the feelings of others has been a struggle. Owning what is mine and what I can and can’t control has been eye opening. I was owning so many emotions, judgements and feelings that weren’t mine to personalize. 

Money is just money in the end. And the friendships weren’t that important to them in the end. I have to accept these facts.  I have to be okay with the hurtful things said on both parts, including my own words. Nothing changes the past, and the past doesn’t gaurentee friendship. 

After facing the feelings with those girls in therapy, I was able to find some clarity. 

I have a billion other things I need to focus on instead of people who clearly don’t give a damn about me anymore. Why waste my energy and tears on people who just tore me down or threw me away, in the end. I can’t change how they act or feel; that’s their emotions and anger, not mine. 

I can only change how I feel and control how I act; so I forgive both of them, now.  

There’s nothing else I can do for them, and I deserve the peace of mind. It took me a long time to find the forgiveness, but I remembered I loved them, flaws and all – and that was never wrong. 

There was nothing wrong with me feeling hurt, and there was nothing wrong with them terminating the friendship If the feelings were no longer mutual. 

They were the sisters I didn’t have, and  so I can only wish them the best. They deserve nothing but love and calm in their lives. I hope they find it. 

I’m okay with saying goodbye with a smile and love in my heart, even if alone. Because the love was real. And I am happy to own that emotion instead. 

Now I’m focusing on reclaiming my confidence in public settings. I’ll be starting group therapy in June… I’m scared af about it to be honest. 

Being around people I don’t know sends me into anxiety attacks. Extremely paranoid of loud belligerent idiots on transit, especially. Makes getting around Vancouver emotionally and physically painful at times. 

Nightmares are still every night – sometimes my rapist finds me in Canada and I wake up crying and physically exhausted. I’m always running away, always terrified. I don’t rest when I sleep, clenching my jaw without realizing gives me tensions headaches when I wake up. 

Health is declining again. Insomnia, fatique, vertigo. Symptoms are endless. Although the pain is definitely more manageable than a few months ago. 

Ridiculously emotional lately. I don’t know what all the tears mean; sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. 

Feels like the road to recovery is endless. Can’t wait to find myself back home in Ikebukuro. 

It’s been too long.