10 days

I’m 10 days away from flying back to Japan with the love of my life. 

Just two days ago I was still reeling from the high the mere thought of returning HOME gave me. 

So why am I depressed today?

Why do I feel like I can never go back? Like something will stop me in the end. Expecting the worst. 

And then there’s the fear. 

The fear of all the possible triggers I don’t even know I have, because I haven’t returned to Japan since the rape. The final month feels like a blur. What have I forgotten? What will I remember?

The fear of having a flashback or a meltdown while we are supposed to be having fun or in a public setting. Ruining special moments because my brain is out of control. 

The fear of seeing him would be the first thought to most minds- but that doesn’t scare me as much as the memories do. 

Is that weird?

I know my boyfriend can protect me from him physically, but he can’t stop a flashback – there is no safety in the depths of my mind. 

I’m tired of the nightmares and the crying. It’s exhausting not being able to sleep soundly. 

All I can do now is try to dream of Ikebukuro – my safe place – and hope my brain will eventually comply and bring back the high. 

10 days. 



Depression. Suicide. Suffering. Alone.

Been having panic attacks this week. The full on attacks had mostly subsided for the past while, about a month. But I’m getting them daily, sometimes more!

This week has been harsh emotionally; Greg’s been gone a month, Continue reading

Universe be fucked

I guess you could say this entry is almost a direct follow up to my post two weeks ago; Depression is Hard

I don’t believe in God, but the universe seems to be screaming at me.

On July 6th, I lost my friend Greg Potocky to suicide.

I’m beginning to realize his death haunts me so deeply because I had JUST been contemplating the same, a mere week before. To be honest his death still doesn’t feel real. Shock or denial; I still can’t believe he’s really gone.

The ones you leave behind hurt the most. But pain blinds you; you can’t help but end up destroying yourself. That’s all you can focus on, because the hurt won’t stop.

I had begun to tread back into a semi “normal” life, slowly, lightly. Nightmares aside, I could feel myself relaxing ever so slightly. Then reality smacked me in the face, again. Life has a strange way of leaving you breathless, but this breathless isn’t the good kind of breathless. It’s the punch to the gut-pain heats your lungs-you can only gasp for oxygen, kind of breathless.

I made a video in his memory... I believe everyone should know his name and know who he was. Amazing, talented, charismatic, sweet, hilarious, nerdy, goofy, strong; a comedian, actor, writer and director.

“The person you love isn’t here to live his life anymore- that means you have to live your life twice as hard, for him.”

I will live my life twice as hard, for you.

Please go visit Greg’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/CockyPotocky

Donations to BC Mental Health in Greg’s memory is greatly appreciated: https://www.bcmhf.ca/donation

Our last project together: http://youtu.be/rMJOxKXu5jI
Bloopers: http://youtu.be/SNjIZdy8gts

Rest in Peace, friend.


Depression is hard

Beyond stating the obvious. But I’m feeling the weight dragging me down again.

One pill.

That’s all it took. I missed one pill and I nearly spiralled out of control and into the dark arms of misery.
Continue reading



Follow up post to “Facing the Swindler” and “Freeing Yourself” entry’s.

He replied. And his response shows his true intentions, clearly.

“うらぎものや!/ You are a traitor!”
(Note; he keeps using very rude Japanese speech forms towards me, something I never heard from him in person. He was always smiling.)

Who is this stranger? This monster?

Continue reading