10 days

I’m 10 days away from flying back to Japan with the love of my life. 

Just two days ago I was still reeling from the high the mere thought of returning HOME gave me. 

So why am I depressed today?

Why do I feel like I can never go back? Like something will stop me in the end. Expecting the worst. 

And then there’s the fear. 

The fear of all the possible triggers I don’t even know I have, because I haven’t returned to Japan since the rape. The final month feels like a blur. What have I forgotten? What will I remember?

The fear of having a flashback or a meltdown while we are supposed to be having fun or in a public setting. Ruining special moments because my brain is out of control. 

The fear of seeing him would be the first thought to most minds- but that doesn’t scare me as much as the memories do. 

Is that weird?

I know my boyfriend can protect me from him physically, but he can’t stop a flashback – there is no safety in the depths of my mind. 

I’m tired of the nightmares and the crying. It’s exhausting not being able to sleep soundly. 

All I can do now is try to dream of Ikebukuro – my safe place – and hope my brain will eventually comply and bring back the high. 

10 days. 

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Universe be fucked

I guess you could say this entry is almost a direct follow up to my post two weeks ago; Depression is Hard

I don’t believe in God, but the universe seems to be screaming at me.

On July 6th, I lost my friend Greg Potocky to suicide.

I’m beginning to realize his death haunts me so deeply because I had JUST been contemplating the same, a mere week before. To be honest his death still doesn’t feel real. Shock or denial; I still can’t believe he’s really gone.

The ones you leave behind hurt the most. But pain blinds you; you can’t help but end up destroying yourself. That’s all you can focus on, because the hurt won’t stop.

I had begun to tread back into a semi “normal” life, slowly, lightly. Nightmares aside, I could feel myself relaxing ever so slightly. Then reality smacked me in the face, again. Life has a strange way of leaving you breathless, but this breathless isn’t the good kind of breathless. It’s the punch to the gut-pain heats your lungs-you can only gasp for oxygen, kind of breathless.

I made a video in his memory... I believe everyone should know his name and know who he was. Amazing, talented, charismatic, sweet, hilarious, nerdy, goofy, strong; a comedian, actor, writer and director.

“The person you love isn’t here to live his life anymore- that means you have to live your life twice as hard, for him.”

I will live my life twice as hard, for you.

Please go visit Greg’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/CockyPotocky

Donations to BC Mental Health in Greg’s memory is greatly appreciated: https://www.bcmhf.ca/donation

Our last project together: http://youtu.be/rMJOxKXu5jI
Bloopers: http://youtu.be/SNjIZdy8gts

Rest in Peace, friend.

Cleanse

Follow up post to “Facing the Swindler” and “Freeing Yourself” entry’s.

He replied. And his response shows his true intentions, clearly.

“うらぎものや!/ You are a traitor!”
(Note; he keeps using very rude Japanese speech forms towards me, something I never heard from him in person. He was always smiling.)

Who is this stranger? This monster?

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