time to be honest

“Silence is a form of victimhood”

I don’t want to be a silent victim anymore. What happened to me was not right in anyway. Regardless of “drunken mistakes”, I did not deserved to be robbed and then raped as punishment.

I once felt almost untouchable in Japan. Maybe a bit cocky and blinded by the pure joy of being in Japan and how many awesome opportunities I had chasing my dream. I was so happy on cloud nine… until I met my ex.
He beat down my soul, with his angry words and his homicidal death threats; my normal intuition was clouded in fear and I drowned myself in alcohol to hide.. I clawed for the swindlers love to save me, and I was completely taken as the perfect mark. The perfect victim.

And so I’m coming forward quietly this once, it’s the best compromise to myself. I won’t be a victim in silence. But I won’t continue to ramble about such serious issues to my fans on my mysticwater account (at least not yet- I’m not ready to be an advocate quite yet).
So if you care to follow my healing process on Glass Triggers you are more than welcome to support me here. On the flip side, I won’t be offended if it’s too uncomfortable to address as it is a trigger heavy blog and not the happiest of topics- feel free to go about your lives and I’ll focus on mine.

I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore. I’ve already started reaching out to select friends, but it’s time I be honest with my fans and online friends too, because you have all kept me going forward in years passed.
I am aware of the very real possibility of backlash, and I know I cant go back, but this is what I need to do to move forward.

I want I stop violence against women, and this is my first step. One day I will be louder and stronger. One day I’ll be free.

Until then, wait for me.

“When love hurts”

“When love hurts; a woman’s guide to understanding abuse in relationships” is a book by Jill Cory & Karen McAndless-Davis. Really informative, it opened my eyes to all the different types of abuse I endured from my ex. It helps me forgive myself a little, and explains a bit as to why my mindset was so completely off kilter.

I have compiled the list to iron out what I need to work through, everyone is different of course. There are other types of abuse like when religion or children/pets are involve. At least I was the only one suffering and that’s some comfort in a strange way.

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Cultural Abuse: using his culture as an excuse for the abuse, putting down my culture and my way of thinking, forcing me to act as a Japanese girl, blames language barriers for his death threats, blames my culture for my “horrible” behaviour

Emotional Abuse: blaming me for everything, using guilt, silent treatment, withholding affection, being jealous, threatening

Intellectual Abuse: manipulation, mind games, making me prove things to him, testing me, always demanding perfection/more

Financial Abuse: counting everything I spend/scrutinizing receipts, demanding I pay 50% to the last yen- regardless of circumstances or if it’s an item that I’m not taking back to my home country, always gets angry about money, controlling where I spend my money,

Property Abuse; destroys all my stuff in a jealous rage, kicked/punched holes in cupboards, throwing things, punched and broke magazine-stand at train station

Psychological Abuse: threatening suicide, aggressive and threatening gestures, threatening to kill me, denying things he said, making light of the abuse and threats he made claiming he was “joking”

Verbal Abuse: swearing, name calling and endless insults, always yelling

Sexual Abuse: threatened to have an affair and then sex with prostitutes, looking at porn and call girl websites in front of me, he raped me and then tried to say I owed it to him.

The Cycle
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