I’m 10 days away from flying back to Japan with the love of my life.
Just two days ago I was still reeling from the high the mere thought of returning HOME gave me.
So why am I depressed today?
Why do I feel like I can never go back? Like something will stop me in the end. Expecting the worst.
And then there’s the fear.
The fear of all the possible triggers I don’t even know I have, because I haven’t returned to Japan since the rape. The final month feels like a blur. What have I forgotten? What will I remember?
The fear of having a flashback or a meltdown while we are supposed to be having fun or in a public setting. Ruining special moments because my brain is out of control.
The fear of seeing him would be the first thought to most minds- but that doesn’t scare me as much as the memories do.
Is that weird?
I know my boyfriend can protect me from him physically, but he can’t stop a flashback – there is no safety in the depths of my mind.
I’m tired of the nightmares and the crying. It’s exhausting not being able to sleep soundly.
All I can do now is try to dream of Ikebukuro – my safe place – and hope my brain will eventually comply and bring back the high.