10 days

I’m 10 days away from flying back to Japan with the love of my life. 

Just two days ago I was still reeling from the high the mere thought of returning HOME gave me. 

So why am I depressed today?

Why do I feel like I can never go back? Like something will stop me in the end. Expecting the worst. 

And then there’s the fear. 

The fear of all the possible triggers I don’t even know I have, because I haven’t returned to Japan since the rape. The final month feels like a blur. What have I forgotten? What will I remember?

The fear of having a flashback or a meltdown while we are supposed to be having fun or in a public setting. Ruining special moments because my brain is out of control. 

The fear of seeing him would be the first thought to most minds- but that doesn’t scare me as much as the memories do. 

Is that weird?

I know my boyfriend can protect me from him physically, but he can’t stop a flashback – there is no safety in the depths of my mind. 

I’m tired of the nightmares and the crying. It’s exhausting not being able to sleep soundly. 

All I can do now is try to dream of Ikebukuro – my safe place – and hope my brain will eventually comply and bring back the high. 

10 days. 

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