Relapse – 123

Where have I been? Where am I going?

Things were getting better. Almost normal, it was nice…

Tense and time, they test me still – the burden is heavy this time.

Our trip to Japan had refreshed us for a year. 2016, the year of our renewal was short lived… After graduating from therapy on my own choice and moving forward with personal projects and events – I felt stronger. I was making choices for myself again.

We both were doing so well. I could almost forget about the fear of triggers or the waxing and waning of my chronic pain waves. I was falling into a new normal.

Slowly stress would creep up on me, slipping her fingers through the cracks and into my fears. My new position arrived on lipservice and lies – broken promises began to show their colours as I was denied a position I thought I earned. Only to have everything taken away from me, all I could do was watch as everything I worked for began to fall apart, there was nothing I could do because I had already lost my “power”.

Finally, as a last kick, I was denied full payment for my hard work. Work that stressed me to the point of breakdown. Payment I earned fairly, all while feeling like a failure, losing my grip on myself in the empty event parking lot- letting my friend and coworker hug me as I tried to hold on to what little strength in myself I had left.He was equally stressed and upset and there was nothing either of us could do to save it.

So I walked away. Months later… Knowing I may never see all the money they owe me. Knowing all my ideas and future projects probably meant nothing to them from the beginning.

One.

Knowing I may never bring anything I envisioned to light. I settled my heart, wanting nothing else except to find peace-  I did my best, I met people I love and care for. That was enough of an experience to push me forward despite the embarrassment.

It should have been. I should have kept moving forward despite the stress; because it was something I enjoying doing with friends I love, for the country and culture I love. It was just one stressful thing – I could jump the hurdle soon. I only need to push a bit more and be a bit more patient with everything…

Until the accident happened, and everything spiralled down out of control, again. Only this time there was no warning. Rear-ended and caught off guard. The noise of the accident, bumper on bumper – blacking out – it triggered me; but the whiplash, minor concussion had me in the hospital on a painful spinal board for hours. Later it would turn into severe back/shoulder/neck pain and constant headaches. I wasn’t broken yet…

Two.

What is “Chronic Pain”, again? Why couldn’t I just move forward in my life with the pain I already learned to live with, why did the accident have to make everything worse? How many more years of physical pain do I deserve? How horrible was my past life, how many more karma cycles must I endure the price?

Physiotherapy. Registered Massage Therapy. I’m told to get them both.

“You need time to heal.” Right? WRONG!

Instead, the ICBC Physio “Doctor” assigned to help me recover, assaulted me… he pulled down my pants to massage my bare ass… what part of my ass is healing the pain in my back/neck/head? How can a doctor in a position of authority and trust, try to see through my open hospital gown to my chest. Nothing felt right. Nothing feels right since. Is this what it feels like to break again?

Three.

How many more times must I be a victim? How many more years of emotional/psychological pain do I deserve? How many more times must I register for a therapy wait-list? How many more times must my PTSD triggers relapse? I wanted to be better, but instead, I’ve fallen 3 steps behind again. 3 blows to my healing soul, 0 protections against the darkness of my mind.

My body aches every day, I struggle to smile with such heavy thoughts drowning me out. Calling doctors offices give me anxiety now. I have panic attacks thinking about making appointments or getting on buses to get to those offices – I feel heavy and burdened.

I hate my life right now. But more than that… I hate myself.

私は引きこもりなりました…
体が痛いし、いろいろと重い考えとつらいよ。
ちゃんとがんばりたいなのに、最近元気ない、
何もできない。
やっぱり自分は嫌い、穴があったら入りたいよ。

もし自分はいないのに世界が続くのよ、でしょう?
私わ消えるがいいと思う

これらの言葉ですらいつか消えてしまいます

一 二 三

 

 

 

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almost normal

This is going to be another ramble-y/random post.

I am attempting to multitask writing this entry while watching The Rock play Hercules.
Like I said… Random.

I usually love The Rock, hes funny and I always felt hes a better actor than wrestler (STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN ALL DA WAY!). But when it comes to my love of Greek mythology and my subsequent childhood addiction to “The Legend of Hercules” and “Xena; Warrior Princess”, I’m still rather uncomfortable at the 10 min mark of Dwayne attempting to channel that epic hero. I am squirming inside for is Kevin Sorbo to show up and save his character! X’D

This type of thinking pattern is better. Though random, simple things like this pull me back to a nostalgic sense of peace. This me is slowly settling down and finding parts of myself again. I catch her in moments like this and even though I try to hang on to this part of me, she eventually slips back into pain.

Normalcy is fleeting, I want to capture it.

(24hrs later, i ended up watching a diff movie koz hercules got slow, just finished watching it now )

I’m glad I came back to finish this movie. Though it stalled for a bit, the second half of the movie was more enjoyable and had more funny moments and on point timing for the one liners. Little cheesy but great soundtrack. Glad I skipped theaters for this one though, nice at home movie anyway.

Changed my sheets and refreshing my blankets by fabreezing the crap outta them and tossing them in the dryer with fabric sheets. I sweat way too much at night. mostly because nightmares are relentless. And its stinky! D: I cant stand sleeping on sheets I’ve already soaked through, even if they are dry. I can smell it and it never feels dry after. Maybe I’m just sensitive but it drives me crazy.

Good News: my purple hair doesn’t bleed like the red did… so many sheets/pillow cases/clothes ruined from red hair sweat ;__;

I’ll be rearranging my room this week. Moving my desktop downstairs possibly to make it a family computer. I’ll have a TV and my PS3 in my room instead of that huge desk. I cant wait to get rid of it. Its hiding a lot of storage space in my cabinet and blocking a lot of posters/display case. Its so wobbly and dirty, I kinda wanna fix it up and donate it to Talize or some place. (We already donated tons of clothes and shoes to Sally’s). Odds are I’ll find ore stuff to donate and sell as I clean up that desk area.

I haven’t even started cleaning it out and Kleo is already having a hissy fit. She hates change the most.

Its gunna be a long night.

time to be honest

“Silence is a form of victimhood”

I don’t want to be a silent victim anymore. What happened to me was not right in anyway. Regardless of “drunken mistakes”, I did not deserved to be robbed and then raped as punishment.

I once felt almost untouchable in Japan. Maybe a bit cocky and blinded by the pure joy of being in Japan and how many awesome opportunities I had chasing my dream. I was so happy on cloud nine… until I met my ex.
He beat down my soul, with his angry words and his homicidal death threats; my normal intuition was clouded in fear and I drowned myself in alcohol to hide.. I clawed for the swindlers love to save me, and I was completely taken as the perfect mark. The perfect victim.

And so I’m coming forward quietly this once, it’s the best compromise to myself. I won’t be a victim in silence. But I won’t continue to ramble about such serious issues to my fans on my mysticwater account (at least not yet- I’m not ready to be an advocate quite yet).
So if you care to follow my healing process on Glass Triggers you are more than welcome to support me here. On the flip side, I won’t be offended if it’s too uncomfortable to address as it is a trigger heavy blog and not the happiest of topics- feel free to go about your lives and I’ll focus on mine.

I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore. I’ve already started reaching out to select friends, but it’s time I be honest with my fans and online friends too, because you have all kept me going forward in years passed.
I am aware of the very real possibility of backlash, and I know I cant go back, but this is what I need to do to move forward.

I want I stop violence against women, and this is my first step. One day I will be louder and stronger. One day I’ll be free.

Until then, wait for me.