Numbing

10:30am

Not tired. Not awake either.

Feeling pretty detached these days. I think the wait lists makes everything more painful. It’s like, now what do I do? I’m trying to live day by day, but I’m not blind to the patterns; I’m sinking into the repetitive and reclusive void again.

Why can’t I just put my big girl pants on and just be-? I don’t even know what I want to be anymore.

Free?
Happy?

I am happy in love, but I’m scrambling to stay happy when I’m alone in my thoughts. It’s a weird and contradicting feeling; to be so in love and yet so angry, lost, scared, and hurting all at the same time. My feelings don’t make sense to me, but I guess they haven’t made sense for some time now.

Where is the girl I once knew as me?
Who am I now?